PARENTS
Sex within the family is currently a hot topic in the media world wide. Formal Sex Education in schools seems to be walking backwards, and narrow-minded factions battle for power. Politicians, in their scramble for approval, find that ‘freedom’ has become a dangerous word and more control is the order of the day in most countries. Everyone seems to be looking for someone else to blame for the chaos Society seems to be in.

Self-appointed guardians of other people’s morals need only whisper ‘Child Abuse’ and all hell breaks loose. Parents are vulnerable from so many directions they’re afraid to take their holiday snaps to be processed at the local chemist. In the current climate of media hysteria, teachers, social workers and nosy neighbours are conditioned to see evil where none exists. I know I’m stating the obvious and being depressing to boot, but this article needs to be read in the context of problems that face even the most boringly sexually unimaginative mummies and daddies ... and, dear reader of Fetish Times, I assume you are not of that ilk.

Intelligent and responsible parents who have a flair for sexual creativity are at even greater risk than the rest. Forget trying to educate your child as you think fit; one word out of place from a toddler at a Day Nursery and five government departments can descend on your home with powers that would make Kafka’s mind boggle. The training of Social Workers is discussed later under the heading OUTSIDERS, as is the seemingly deliberate ignorance of representatives of the law (from police constables to the High Court judges). Enough to say here that all parents are currently under attack; those with something that Society forces them to hide, much more so.

But not all is doom and gloom. A fulfilled sex-life makes many adults better parents. Means of enjoying a creative sexuality often needs little more than sensible planning. Depending on the ages of the children, sexual activities between mummies and daddies just have to be discretely managed. Because the need to keep the paraphernalia of sex games out of sight and reach of young people should, at least in my opinion, be one of the top priorities, let’s start with ‘playspace’

 

 

A PLACE TO PLAY:
The bedroom:
Much depends on what type of games enjoyed, but the locked toy box or closet in the parental bedroom is safe only until the curiosity of the oldest child can not be held back by simple locks. In most family homes, can there be no-go areas? Stronger locks are not the answer.

Even in these days of lost innocence, children naturally expect to join parents in their bedroom for quality time. Children with enquiring minds need to explore. Fixing points in ceiling, floor or bed frame will invite questions and the paraphernalia of SM games is difficult to conceal or explain away. Healthy children are curious by nature - and even in my innocent youth, however hard my parents tried, I always found the Christmas presents long before Santa as due to deliver them.

Things that go bump in the night:
The dynamics of ordinary parental sex can disturb some children who may misinterpret sounds. ‘Daddy was hurting Mummy again last night’ can take on new significance when a child casually mentions this to neighbours or the milkman. Even very young children are sensitive to being excluded from something they don’t understand. Each parent must construct a scenario which gives the couple some sense of freedom without seeming to exclude the child. Not easy.

Alternative spaces:
Depending on your domestic space, other areas of the house may offer useful alternatives. Again, the type of activity dictates the space needed: A garage where Mummy helps Daddy work on the car some nights after bedtime; a photo lab which kids know better than to enter when the red light is showing; the room kept locked because Daddy brings home important work; an elaborate DIY workshop which produces more noise than fitted wardrobes. Perhaps, if the family budget and space can run to it, gymnasium type equipment in the bedroom or garage can occasionally serve a dual purpose as mummy and daddy huff and puff late into the night.

Cover stories:
Equipment which might raise a question in an enquiring young mind can sometimes be plausibly explained away. Obsolete parental hobbies such as youthful mountain climbing or horse riding ‘in the old days’ can make coils of rope and leather harnesses and clothes of various strange design and fabric somehow excusable (My dad kept his naval oilskins and Home Guard ‘Gas Cape’ at the back of my parents bedroom walk-in wardrobe for years after the war and I was too dim to recognise the significance until my own natural instincts took me in the same direction). Pre-parenthood motorcycling or scuba-diving can perhaps legitimise leather, rubber, boots at least for the very naive. Amateur theatricals past and present can mask all sorts of stored equipment and even some late night ‘rehearsing’. Photography is also a useful hobby which can involve various ‘props’ plus some long and intimate not-to-be-disturbed sessions.

Time out:
Sally Barrett who wrote the humorous ‘We Love S&M: Criminal Confessions from Suburbia’ describes how, early into parenthood she and her husband encouraged both sets of grand parents to have the kids sleep over quite regularly. Not every couple is able to do this - but it’s a possibility. Same applies if parents establish a regular pattern of being away for an overnight stay from time to time. Work or hobby can provide a useful reason. Who is called in to baby sit is often a matter of social and financial resources.

Playing away:
For a couple who can justify the expense, a playspace away from the family home can be an ideal solution. Paying for a separate space purely for occasional sex games is far beyond most people’s resources but, if one or other parent’s work or hobby can justify a small workspace or studio, the couple may even find that some of their expenditure on sex is tax deductible. Of course, the premises must be accessible outside regular business hours without causing comment. Some commercial or industrial units are ideal because there are no ‘residents’. However, a dedicated Security Guard or lonely copper who sees a light on at night and drops in to cadge a late night cup of coffee needs to be discouraged.

A believable cover story is necessary to keep other businesses in the block happy. I have known of an amateur’s photographic studio & dark room, an aroma therapist studio, a storage & packing station for mail-order of some unspecified product and a sculptor’s workshop all fully equipped to double as S&M play spaces. A creative imagination is needed for the design of any such dual-function space particularly if it is also a legitimate business. And, of course, it would need to show some sort of income to justify tax relief. The financial outlay for a ‘pretend’ business would be a serious commitment which only dedicated and regular SM game players could justify.

Hotel rooms are a less attractive ‘playing away’ option if equipment is necessary or the noise level occasionally gets high, but for some parents it is a possibility if the need is great and the budget can stretch to it.

The great outdoors:
In both ‘We Love S&M’ and ‘So I Like To Get Tied Up ... So What??!’ the practicalities of playing ‘kinky’ games out-of-door are explored. Fishing or camping trips often excuse the gear; a small trailer or even caravan opens up possibilities either in carefully chosen isolation or at the side of your own house. A hardware-store intruder sensitive light which silently flashes INSIDE rather than outside a caravan, cabin or allotment hut is a useful precaution. Recently, trendy men’s ‘Lifestyle magazines’ have even mentioned Bog Swimming as a pastime which involves getting togged up in full diving gear and wallowing in water or mud-filled rural ditches. Doing this late at night from the safety of your camper van is not as unusual as you might think - believe one who’s done it.

 

PARENTS & SEX EDUCATION:
Parents can only go so far in helping their children towards sexual emancipation in our cultural climate. Too close an involvement between father or mother and a child of whatever age can throw up a barrier rather than remove it. The formal rite of passage ceremony which creates such a bond in many cultures is totally missing from Western Society. In fact, because of the confused but resolutely maintained ‘genital embarrassment’, sex still is a four-letter word. Discussion remains painful and any direct physical demonstration has serious legal prohibitions. Even today, the young are usually on their own with the problem. (This topic is expanded under the heading ‘Children’)

 Hiding details of your sexual activities from children who have enquiring minds is, for most parents, a tightrope. Again, it is a matter of personal circumstances. What is too much to cope with for some children may result in a sense of exclusion in others. Sally & Malcolm Barrett discuss the alternatives briefly in ‘We Love S&M’, but the options open to them resulted from years of careful deceptions mixed with an unusual openness with their children about sexual matters in general. Too much honesty with children puts a heavy responsibility on them when they later discuss sexual abstracts with their peers.

‘Alternative sexuality’ of whatever type is particularly dangerous territory. Most unenlightened adults fail to understand it, let alone young people with no actual practical sexual experience. Phrases like sexual aberration, perversity, degeneracy may sound very old-fashioned but they are still in regular use. Even in these days when so much more information is available and sexual matters are discussed on television, the conventional vocabulary of sexuality still confuses the issue.

THE GENERAL PRESSURES OF FAMILY LIFE:
Employment, finances and the type of domestic space all dictate the level of parental sexual activity possible. Too many couples with kids growing up around them feel it’s just not worth the hassle to try and sustain an active sex life. In such cases there is less to hide or chose how to explain, but such repression can be damaging to more than the husband-&-wife relationship. Depending on where your sexual appetites lie and how hard your sexual urges push you, the only answers to your questions are within you ... BUT ... as long as the sexual drive remains mutual, ways must be found to stay fulfilled.

If you feel you are being forced by society to be dishonest with your kids, only you can decide to what extent you should be open with them and where deception is preferable to sexual frustration ... which, in turn, may result in domestic tension or the possibility of one or other partner straying.

Most parents who manage to maintain a satisfactory sex life agree that it is worth the effort of some modest dissembling. The possible risks involved in either the kids finding out or your private life being exposed to ‘outsiders’ is discussed next. On the whole, inventing ways in which to privately enjoy your sexuality without complicating your kid’s lives can be fun in itself. For the imaginative and the determined there are possibilities galore.

If you have already found what are, for you, workable solutions which might be useful to others ... I would be delighted to hear from you.

 

 

CHILDREN - This heading divides into three sections:-

AWARENESS OF SEXUALITY IN THE HOME:
On this topic I would like more feedback from parents of young children today. Times have changed so drastically, only young parents of young children know the extent of current media and peer group pressure. Access to knowledge today makes attempts to control outside influence almost impossible, and children’s awareness of sexual practices makes the signs easier for children to recognise. For parents to try and keep a balance, particularly those with an active sex life, they must tread a fine line between hiding and admitting.

For many parents, opportunities for sexual fulfilment within the home diminish as their children grow up. Sadly, too many people accept this as an inevitable result of getting older. Parents who continue to have sex find ways, whether outside the home or snatched opportunities at home when children are out. Exactly how much children know of these activities depended perhaps on the cultural rather than economic status of the family as a whole. Today’s parents do, I’m sure, feel they are not in control of their own or their children’s sexual destinies. But to balance against this, children find overt sexuality acceptable whereas most disapproving adults today were limited by secrecy and deliberately induced guilt when young. Adults who today feel they were affected by their parent’s sexual practices are discussed later.

SEX EDUCATION AND PEER GROUP PRESSURE:
Information is power and the powers-that-be have struggled to suppress information on sexual matters for decades. Whether in the home or at school Sex Education is still a battlefield where conflict between parental choice, political opinion and educational fashion still rages. It is dangerous to generalise but the legal rights of children and parents have been seriously eroded in recent years. One of the saddest things is that at school, lack of serious intention in teaching about sexual alternatives has allowed misinformation to take root. Recently, the word ‘pervert’ has replaced ‘poof-queer-homo’ as the most often used term of casual insult, even for six year olds.

In addition, due to sinister initiatives by pressure groups, the word Paedophile has not only entered the young vocabulary, it threatens to become a weapon which some youngsters are learning to use to their advantage.

Also, it is common playground knowledge among sexually precocious young people that a child can always disclaim responsibility, making adults an easy target. I may be taking a pessimistic view or have perhaps heard about some depressingly unpleasant children, but Magistrates and Social Workers are already realising that in some ‘Child Abuse’ accusations, a malicious child has discovered that terms like pervert or paedophile carry enormous power and can produce satisfyingly dramatic effects. Blackmail has become an easy option - sometimes even within the family unit. With the draconian powers of the ill-conceived British ‘Sexual Offences’ act, many rights of the individual have been sacrificed. This leaves a lot of parents on an emotional and legal high wire. Therefore their own sex lives are under threat.

Many young people today feel less inhibited about practical sexual experimentation, in fact some feel the need to have something to report to their peers. It takes a strong incentive for a young person not to go with the flow. Furtive sex experiments have always happened, but the pace has quickened and AIDS has added a horrific dimension. It is difficult for even the best briefed child of caring and knowledgeable parents to negotiate the cross-currents of an emerging sex drive and peer group pressure.

Safe Sex is another subject where acknowledge professional opinion has been blocked by bigotry. It is not surprising that many dedicated educators have just given up. However, parents of today show signs of taking back control and there is a new confidence that the next generation will have a more balanced attitude towards sexual self-determination. Opinions about an emerging new honesty between parents and children over sexual issues would be welcomed by the author.

FIRST SEXUAL EXPERIENCE:
Most people remember their first time - whatever, wherever with whoever. For some it was an embarrassing fumble, for others the world stood still and others were marked for life by it. If the first experience was discovering their parents ‘doing it’ - the impact can be either traumatic, humorous or just plain embarrassing. If either parent was in any way involved with a stranger, this would add an extra dimension to the emotional impact. If a relative or family friend had a hand in revealing the secrets of sex to a young person of any age, the social complications could have clouded the experience. If it was a stranger who either showed or involved a child, the dangers are manifold, often intensified by hysteria or parents or involvement of officialdom. If either parent had any hand in initiating their own child’s first sexual experience this could result in serious emotional and legal repercussions.

More usually, the ‘first time’ is a determined skirmish between mutually innocent explorers, and the legacy could be anything from unforgettable to hilarious. My next point is ... are you still blaming your first exposure to practical sex for how it affects you today?

Sexual so-called ‘perversion’:
Many adults are marked for life by childhood experiences of various kinds other than sexual ... but ... (I’m treading delicate ground here) ... Freud made it very easy for us to dump responsibility for our adult shortcomings or frustrations on other people’s doorsteps. Perversion and corruption are two emotive words, as is seduction. I know adults who resolutely DO NOT do things they were forced to do as children, so this a two way street we’re on. I’m told that people who were physically abused when young often grow up to physically abuse their children. There are statistics which prove many known sexual abusers were themselves abused in the past. However, statistics about people who were abused when young but didn’t grow up to do it to others are thin on the ground ... maybe because it is no longer important to them. Maybe the statisticians never tracked them down because the victims never needed to seek professional help.

When people tell me they have sexual hang-ups which result from a childhood experience I am sympathetic ... but perhaps overly simplistic. I spend my life encouraging people to find ways to do what they enjoy and avoid doing what they don’t enjoy. Psychological soul-searching is not my style. Finding out HOW I can get to do it more often and get more enjoyment out of it has always been more important than agonising over WHY I like to do it. If somebody tells me they don’t like to do a certain thing but they keep on doing it ... then I do recommend a psychiatrist, although that’s against my religion.

When I specifically ask people who enjoy extremes of S&M sex about possible psychological influences from childhood, very few have made direct connections with traumatic events. At the same time, a great many fulfilled game-players admitted to being aware at a very early age that something inside them responded instinctively to the ‘kink’ they now enjoy. Some admit to having been ‘seduced’ but, in reality, their seduction was a liberation; an opportunity to explore an instinctive interest. This is dangerous ground, because anyone who has been forced during any sexual experience will resent the implication. Rape is an emotive concept. Date Rape is a dangerous canister of worms to open.

However, as any S&M game-player who has tried to initiate a partner into S&M knows, for each willing new player who takes to it like a duck to water there are ten who do not. Some may do it as a favour, but it remains something foreign to them. Converts are usually those who discover a level on which to be comfortable within themselves.

If we stick to the subject of childhood experience leading to an unnaturally altered sexual preference, where do we begin? I distrust a lot of the glib psychological generalisations often used to explain what I see as personal choice arrived at through intuition via opportunity to select-or-reject. Every day of our lives there are opportunities we take or leave. Some people make their own opportunities, too many sit back and wait for them to arrive. Is that too simplistic? Maybe so. I was lucky enough to have intelligent and informative parents. There was no conspiracy of silence on sexual matters so I had neither fear or guilt, and most importantly understood the difference between morality and religion. I was taught to take responsibility for my own actions and not blame others for my shortcomings. Instinctively, I learned to trust my own gut-feelings rather than try to conform to the so-called ‘norms’ of the world around me.

Of course I was lucky. Of course young people are conditioned, indoctrinated and misinformed. Then, in later life, it is no surprise that many have difficulty accepting other people’s points of view. But if I meet someone who likes to dress up as a nun (in latex) and have her bottom caned, or a man who wants to be crucified every Thursday, should I blame their Catholic upbringing? If so, why are there so few with her or his particular ‘preference’? When I find myself pleasuring a man who likes to get togged up in army gear and get ordered about or rolled in the mud because his grandfather was in the First World War, I can appreciate the influence ... but the man has a choice. I have met people who enjoy an S&M lifestyle who as children knew that their parents did likewise. But, I have never met anyone who regularly plays kinky games but hates doing it ... and insists they’re only doing it because one or both of their parents did it. When I do, ought I to believe them?

 

 

OUTSIDERS
Thinking positively, public perceptions of ‘alternative sex’ are changing. Films like ‘Preaching to the Perverted’ and ‘Personal Services’ are screened without public outrage or legal challenge. Television discussion programmes and drama are less likely to present ‘Bizarre’ sex as something shocking, enjoyed only by psychotics. Even Time Out magazine last year ran a long but rather tame survey of what they called Weird Sex, and the issue sold out. Pervey is trendy in the stylish-conscious lifestyle magazines. Mainstream advertising campaigns hinge on the mass public being able to recognise an erotic fetish image when they see one and to find it attractive rather than repulsive.

In contrast the British Establishment is panicking because fear of unmentionable sexual perversions has, until now, been a strong card to play when introducing new legislation. Last year the ill-considered Sexual Offences bill was rushed through Parliament before enough people realised that the so-called cure is more dangerous than the disease.

Newspaper Editors, of course, deliberately perpetuate misconceptions about ‘Bizarre’ sex because sensationalism and titillation are their bread and butter. When exposing private and personal sexual peccadilloes a ‘Shock Horror’ headline sells more papers than ‘Okay, so what?’ Screaming disapproval of scandalous S&M sexual practices on the front page are regularly followed up by advertisements for fetish and SM equipment for sale in their Classified Sections. In reality the majority of their readers are neither shocked or horrified by reports of sexual ‘deviations’ or they wouldn’t read them.

Public Opinion is often cited in court as grounds for imposing restrictions on consenting adults. This myth about public outrage is also the excuse used by police, Customs officials and even the Post Office who believe it is their duty to control what they do not understand.

‘Social Welfare’ is another profession which seems to attract as many power-freaks as it does those dedicated to giving a service. Responsible adults who have children are particularly at risk from these ill-advised, uninformed and often deeply prejudiced people.

Still thinking positively, I return to the question of what can be done. Although the situation is gradually improving on one front, is it deteriorating on other?. The Religious Right, Moslem Fundamentalists and even some misguided feminists are lobbying for greater control. How far will informed Public Opinion allow the pendulum to swing? Because freedom has become something of a dangerous word (I am reliably informed by a political commentator) because the increased freedom of one social group almost inevitably impinges upon the freedoms of other social groups. Because of this, ‘sexual self-determination’ is a phrase I am using frequently these days, connecting this to ‘FREEDOM WITH RESPONSIBILITY’ as a concept.

 

 

The following needs a total rewrite in the light ofseveral happenings since 1988.

A NEW INITIATIVE:
To end on a constructive and hopeful note:
Last November in Washington DC the Black Rose group celebrated their Tenth Anniversary of providing American fetish enthusiasts with a place in which to meet, and opportunities to share ideas and friendship with others. During a weekend of technical and political discussions (plus an almost continual Play Party in a large well-equipped playspace).

I made a point of meeting and talking with as many parents of young children as I could find among the 800 or so people who attended the event. In two formal ‘Talk shops’ and a lot of conversations over meals and in the bar, many differing opinions were aired, but one suggestion was unanimously agreed upon.

There is an urgent need for a brief and simple digest of information about so-called ‘Bizarre Sex’. It should aim to make more widely available to non-players reliable information about the realities of erotic fetishism. In the form of an easy to read small booklet it should explain a few of the facts of life which journalists, police and lawyers frequently fail to understand. The proposed document would make no attempt to justify, apologise for or recommend the practices described. It was suggested that such a document would be particularly valuable to any member of the public called on jury service when a ‘kinky sex’ related trail was being heard.

END

 

This document is currently under discussion, and input and suggestions are invited.

In the meantime to the many parents who have encouraged me to ‘talk and listen’,
I offer my sincere thanks.

To the Editor of SECRET magazine who has waited so patently for me to deliver the article promised him so many months ago, what can I say ... so punish me!

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